Honest post ahead, if you dont like it, leave.

I hate it when you lose something that once makes you feel so comfortable and confident.

No, I'm not talking about any person but my two favorite sports.

If you know me well enough, its clearly badminton and running. Let me see, I've been in these sports for, let me count... badminton for 10 years as of last year and running for like 6years. And these years as in competing competitively. Sigh, what a loss to have given them up aye? Let me see, no time was kind of an excuse for quitting the badminton team last year. I guess I didnt feel the team spirit as much as everyone tried to emphasize on it, it was plainly talk and no action and i feel like everyone goes like yeahhhh on the surface and this makes me feel pathetic. I mean like hmmmm, I admit I dont turn up regularly for Year1 but I started going for everything from Year2 onwards but like honestly, I didn't feel like im a part of the team but apart from the team. There were always tension between this girl and this other girl. Competition is good but a few of them made training so uncomfortable and i felt so much of tension and yes it did push me harder but i felt stressed out. And I felt like ever since i joined the team here, the coach did nothing to better me. I only found myself de-proving. And trainings weren't tiring at all. I remember there was a period I grabbed my ipod after trainings just to run round the tracks and tadah, i felt like i worked out. But other than that, i felt like he only coached me twice, unwillingly. #truefeelings #honest Then the lineup for POL-ITE came and my name wasn't in and I ased why but I was compared with this other girl. He said her attendance was better but skills, I was better. So I felt offended, so it all boils down to attendance > skills? And I felt i merely skipped trainings cause design school had its own block systems i could not turn up for trainings when the rest of TP had their holidays. And then I found out my message to the coach wasn't passed on. It made me so offended and furious its like, I didn't have a chance to play because the coach thought i was absent for trainings just like that w/o any valid reasons when i was in school, in class having lessons. WTF?! Yet that girl did nothing to inform the coach, it was ridiculous. Well, I dont think i'd be able to forget+forgive this matter/girl. I would continue on if I felt comfortable in the team but its like I never felt so out of place/misplaced in the team before. Okay, enough of badminton before someone sensi feels offended.

And that period, I started having my first signs of asthma it sucked so badly. My airways/chest tightens up so badly I couldn't run distances w/o feeling good anymore. Running used to be my best way to relaxing/de-stressing and the thought of running never fails to brighten me up instantly but I really dread it now. It degrades me. Like how could something I could do so well turn out to be something that breaks my confidence to zero now? The feeling sucks and I guess noone can understand unless you got into the same shit as me. Sigh X infinity. But running seems like the only thing which can keep me in shape. I can't swim properly/swim properly w/o feeling my chest tightening up within a lap. Sigh, tell me what to do?

I'm so tempted to find a new sport that would rekindle that familiar feeling in me but I just cannot seem to find one. I'm always looking back to the two sports that WERE so familiar to me but yet i feel so helpless. Someone tell me you know how i feel please?