I need to find back what i lost.

This screws me up, deep inside, deep down. Never felt this worst; never felt so lost. I try, i try, maybe not hard enough to find back what i lost in the process of transition. I think i need to talk to someone soon enough, I need to un-entangle myself. I need to; i have to; i ought to do so. But what if, it doesn't work? Do i have to drop everything and restart? No i dont want that. I need to keep moving. Am i too comfortable doing nothing that this becomes a habit? This is bad. I know. I need something to keep me going, i need motivation. Im refusing things, im rejecting things, because i dont want to end up like any other, living in self denial. Maybe i already am? But no, i dont want to. Im jealous, jealous of people doing things they love, things they enjoy, things that keeps them going. I have no idea why I'm stuck here. And no, i dont want to be stuck here. It makes me want to break down, it makes me wanna scream and pull my hair and cry out loud, it makes me question myself, it makes me feel like even though, things are fine, they're not. i h8 this mindset. it just kills.

sick & tired.