" its funny how the people that hurt you the most are the ones they swore they wouldn't "

The other day was just thunder and lightning, heavy downpour. I felt so vulnerable, home alone, jumping off my chair every now and then, frightened by mother nature. It felt like the other night, i freaked out and i started crying. ( Stupid, i know ) Picked up my phone, dialled a few numbers. No one picked up. No one replied my sms-es. Then i called a few more, finally one picked up. I felt so much better hearing someone on the other line. Sometimes, in life, we just need that one voice on the other end, its like a helping hand, it makes us feel so much better. Thanks babe.

Submission's finally over though i'm rather disappointed with one of the modules, not my best, honestly but sigh. It feels like its been forever since i went out with a friend or friends to just hang out, be myself and enjoy. I miss moments like those. But it seems almost impossible. I hope tomorrow works out. I need a breather, i need a break.

Side track a bit. Maybe i realised, i've been trying, trying too hard, trying beyond my means. That explains how much it matters and how much i'm willing to. But it comes, to at a point in life, you realise that, its time to stop, you cannot go on like that forever. You try hard to convince yourself, that was your best though you think you could've tried harder. I miss being confident in myself, and the ones around me. But it feels like i'm lost, i cannot find the moments back, at all. And that im lethargic, its time i be myself and stop trying even harder. Cause there are people around, who, never sees the amount of effort you are trying to put in and how much more willing you're to put in more than the others. They never see. They pretend not to see. Or rather they saw, but chose to pretend. The few, i gave up. But as much as i want to give up, the other night i stumbled upon old photos in my macbook, i miss those times so much, i set up my printer and i printed our photo out. I look at all of us, happy and carefree, under the scorching sun, but you know what was it that mattered? The smiles on our faces. I could remember the conversations that day, the things we did, the looks on our faces, what everyone wore etc. But i know i gotta, s-t-o-p.

I feel so immuned to things like it, it feels like part and parcel of life. It shouldn't be this way, it feels like everything's sucked out of me, im e-m-p-t-y. I'm surviving because i have to. Sighzxxx.

Times like this,
I just wished you held my hand.
It's more than enough.

"It's the worst feeling in the world to love and hate someone all at the same time. and it's hard to watch things change when all you want is for them to stay the same. it's crazy when you want to let go, but you keep holding on, and you want to move on, but you're stuck right where you started. when feelings come and go and you can't decide what you want. when you have so many things to say but you don't know where to start. when you want them in your life so bad, but all you can do is push them farther and farther away. it's so hard to think back how things used to be and look at it now and realize that things are different."

Funghua says: Maybe?