And so, i'm back.

Grandma passed away, peacefully on the 1st of May.

I'm sorry i couldn't be there, i'm sorry i haven't been back for so long and now that i'm back, its for your funeral. I miss you. You're blessed, the weather was so good throughout, everyone was back because there was 3 day holidays, 700+ people sent you on your last journey (record breaking). My first ever funeral in my whole life. Mummy broke down pretty badly at the doorstep. Everyone seemed so serious. It used to be, grandma pacing up and down and when we're back, she'll smile. I entered and as usual, i called "popo" like how i always would, only this time and next time onwards, i'll whisper. I sat down, eyes overflowing as i burnt the offerings and offered the joss sticks. It felt funny, you're not there anymore, ever again. I won't get to bring you out for food (esp yum cha) and shopping in another city, i won't get to follow you around the neighbourhood. Everyday, i make it a point to sit down for hours to do the offerings because while im sitting there, i feel calm. I get the clear my mind, sort my thoughts, secretly talk to you. You looked peaceful when i finally saw you. So many things i miss. Everyone misses you. It just feels different now. Grandpa, be strong aye. Don't cry anymore, whenever i see you secretly crying, i tear too. That day when you broke down, i felt so useless. I feel your presence around the house, but it's just not the same anymore. Sigh. The day of cremation, so many years of living but all within an hour, you were reduced to bones. I'm happy that you're happy now, and that you're enjoying. (Like what you went to "tell" Aunt.) The house just seemed a lot more, dead? I rummaged through your safebox and the treasure chest the two of you share. Only to find photos, of us, only us, when we were young. I never expected to find our photos. Deep down, i felt so touched and lousy at the same time, i never took a proper photo with you. I remember i told myself, the previous time i left, the next time i'm back, we'll do a family portrait or something close, maybe a family tree. But now, one of the most important persons in my life's missing. Another regret to add on to my life. Sighhhh. The day when i left, i walked over to grandpa, only to hear the same words the two of you used to always tell us when we leave, but this time, it came only from one of you. And i remember the previous time, (hundreds of time) i heard that, i broke down, cause i couldn't bear to leave. This time too. And i'm afraid, the same thing happens again...

Thanks for all the TLC and concerns i received. Appreciate it. Especially the school's side. And the long chat with Mathias was especially, goooood. It made me think/reflect a lot.

♥